


Childhood Regrets

by VampAmber



Series: No Regrets [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcoholic John, Alpha John, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent John Winchester, Big Brother Dean, Canonical Character Death, Caring Castiel, Caring Dean, Child Neglect, Drunk John Winchester, Implied Mpreg, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kid Fic, M/M, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Past Child Abuse, Prequel, Protective Dean Winchester, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, damn did Dean and Sam have a bad childhood, part of a series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 06:39:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10380717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampAmber/pseuds/VampAmber
Summary: After their mom died in the house fire, Dean tried his hardest to be the best possible mommy for his little brother Sammy, since they didn't have a real one any more. Their dad... did not take that news very well. Though maybe if he'd actually acted like a father, instead of a neglectful abusive drunk, he wouldn't have had to have dealt with his kids coping in the best way they knew how.This fic is told mostly as Dean's memories from when he was a kid, and what led up to the bad reaction from John over Dean acting like Sam's mom. It's a prequel to the series No Regrets, but can technically be read as a stand alone, though the last paragraph won't be anywhere near as big of a deal as it's supposed to be if it's read as such.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This... was supposed to be the first in a group of ficlets for this series, and was only supposed to be about a thousand words or so, tops. But as with pretty much everything else I've written for this series, it got away from me and I decided to put it as its own time stamp instead of grouping it with a bunch of others.
> 
> There will be a fair amount of neglect and even a tiny bit of abuse from John, just so you're aware. I don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable. No sexual abuse, though, I promise. I'm not sure I could even survive writing that...
> 
> Also, kinda wrote this quickly, and only really checked through it once instead of the usual four or five times I end up going through a fic before I publish it, so if you guys see any mistakes, feel free to point them out. I also had a bit of difficulty with the tenses, for once (memories inside memories........ *shudders*). Of all the No Regrets time stamps, this is the one I'm most unsure of, but here's hoping it turned out okay. *fingers crossed*

Dean didn’t really completely understand what was going on. There had been a fire at their house, and he’d known from TV shows that fire was really bad. You were never supposed to play with it, so if there was a bunch of it in the house like there had been, that was definitely a bad thing. Even more confusing was his daddy shoving his little baby brother Sammy into his arms and telling him to go outside and wait. It kinda made sense though, because if Dean wasn’t supposed to play with fire, Sammy probably shouldn’t, either. He had went outside as quickly as his little legs could carry him, even though Sammy was kinda heavy. He just hoped his mommy and daddy knew not to play with the fire, too.

Everything had been scary after that. All the people who lived around him were out in the street, staring at Dean’s house. There was even more fire than he’d thought, and his mommy and daddy still weren’t out there with him, so he got worried. But then Sammy started crying, and it gave Dean something to focus on. He’d sat down in the middle of the road and held Sammy in his lap, rocking him a little bit like his mommy had been teaching him how to do. Sammy seemed to like that, since he quieted down quickly.

A big scary truck came next, something called a ‘fire and gin’, if Dean remembered right. They’d sprayed a lot of water at all the fire coming out of his house, to make it safer for everybody. His mommy and daddy still weren’t with him, so he went back to rocking Sammy and trying to help him be less scared of all the loud noises. He knew they’d be here soon.

Only his daddy had come for them, though. He hadn’t understood why his mommy was missing, and had learned that night what ‘dead’ was. He hadn’t liked that, and kept telling his daddy that he didn’t want his mommy to be that, but it had only made his daddy cry even harder.

There had been something called a funeral after that. It was to say goodbye to the dead person, as far as Dean could tell. He’d mostly just played with Sammy the whole time, since now there wasn’t a mommy to do that for him any more. “Since we don’t got one any more,” Dean whispered to Sammy while all the grown ups were talking to each other and ignoring them hiding underneath the table, “I’ll just hafta be your mommy.”

They stayed at one of his daddy’s friend’s houses for a few weeks after the fire and the funeral thing, and Dean hated it. The lady had two cats, and even if they’d been nice kitties (which they weren’t because they always hissed at Dean), he’d found out another word, ‘ler-jick’. Apparently, Dean was ler-jick to cats. For a few nights, after Dean had put Sammy to sleep in his baby bed and he was curled up in his in the spare bedroom, he could hear his daddy and the lady and guy that they were staying with fighting. They weren’t very loud, but Dean could still hear them, even though he couldn’t tell what they were saying. Then, they left and got in his daddy’s car and drove for awhile. Daddy wouldn’t say where they were going, or why they were leaving, and the more questions Dean asked, the angrier Daddy got until he finally yelled at Dean to shut up already. He learned another word that day, too, but he was too afraid of making Daddy angry again to asked what ‘fuck’ meant. So, like always, he just took care of Sammy instead. He was gonna be the best mommy he could possibly be for his baby brother.

They ended up staying in a thing called a motel that night, and stayed there for a few weeks. Dean was having trouble remembering all the new words he was learning, but he tried his hardest to remember them all. He had to teach himself how to change Sammy’s diapers, which was so gross and icky, but his daddy wasn’t very good at it, and Dean hated to hear Sammy cry like that. He also learned how to make bottles for Sammy’s meals, too. He’d always watched his mommy do these things, so he knew that by doing them himself, he was being a good mommy to Sammy.

Daddy started smelling weird at night after a while. He would leave the room and stay away for a few hours every night, and come back smelling weird and acting weird. After a few times, Dean learned that it was best to avoid Daddy whenever he smelled like that. He’d take Sammy into the bathroom so that Daddy wouldn’t get angry if he cried, and they’d usually stay there until Daddy went to sleep. They didn’t have too many toys, but Dean learned to make do with what they had. Thankfully, Sammy’s favorite game was peek-a-boo, and that didn’t need any toys at all.

It got into a pattern, them moving to a new motel room a really long drive away from the last one every few months. When Daddy was gone all day, as he always would be in the beginning, a babysitter would come into the room, but usually the babysitter mostly ignored Dean and Sammy, and Dean was perfectly fine with that. He’d gotten really good at changing diapers and making bottles and even at giving Sammy a bath. Baths always took extra long, because it was one of the few things Sammy really enjoyed, playing and splashing in the water. Dean would hafta crawl around on the floor with a towel afterwards to clean up all the puddles, but he still thought it was worth it to hear Sammy laughing like that.

At night when they’d go to bed, always after Daddy was asleep, Dean would tell Sammy stories to help him go to sleep too. He’d tell him all about their mommy, and what she was like. He told Sammy about the swing that used to be in the backyard, and he promised when Sammy got bigger, he’d take him to a park where there were swings for everybody. And he always promised Sammy he’d be the best mommy he could be.

It was cold outside the motel room they were in when it was Dean’s sixth birthday (his fifth one had been completely forgotten since it happened only a few months after the fire), but nobody really mentioned it so Dean didn’t either. Dean only knew about it because of the calendar on the wall. Daddy wasn’t going away during the day like he usually did, which meant they’d probably be finding a new motel to live in, soon.

Sammy had been a bit slow to start speaking, if Dean could believe what the grown ups were saying, but he’d managed tiny words that weren’t really actually words, and by now Dean knew what each and every one of them meant. “Hun” meant Sammy was hungry, “eww” meant it was time for a new diaper, “wa” meant he wanted to have bath time, “Dee” was Dean, and “up” was probably the only actual word in the bunch. They were sitting on the bed closest to the TV, Sammy in his lap, with the volume turned down really low to not wake up their daddy, when Sammy looked up at Dean. He pointed to the TV, some kid’s show about a family that had a talking dog, and asked “Mommy?” The mom was on the screen, talking, so Dean nodded.

“Yeah Sammy, that’s a mommy,” he said, pride in his voice. It was the biggest word Sammy had ever used, and he couldn’t help but feel proud.

Sammy then pointed at Dean. “Mommy?”

Dean paused for a second. It had been a while since Dean had told Sammy that he was going to be his mommy since theirs was dead, but the word still felt right. “Yeah Sammy, mommy.” He smiled, and Sammy pulled him into a hug. He was just fine if this was his only birthday present.

“Dee mommy,” Sammy said happily. Dean couldn’t help but laugh. It sounded so good to hear him say that. Dean was gonna be the absolute best mommy ever.

Dean was seven and teaching a three year old Sammy how to tie his shoes the first time Dad heard him call Dean ‘mommy.’

“You’re getting really good at this, Sammy,” Dean congratulated his little brother. They’d been working on it for the last week, and Sammy was almost there. He could tie it perfectly over half the time now.

“Thanks, Mommy,” Sam said happily, and hugged his big brother.

They both jumped when their dad stomped over to the bed where Dean was sitting. “The hell did he just say?” Their dad shouted, looking at Dean and pointing an accusing finger at Sammy. Dean just stared at him, completely confused, while Sammy burst into tears. Dean wanted so badly to comfort him, but he knew that might anger Dad, so he didn’t move a muscle. He switched over to glaring at Sammy. “What did you just call him?” He said, sounding even angrier.

“M… m… mommy?” Sammy said through the tears.

Dad yanked Sammy up by the arm and yelled “He’s a boy! Boys can’t be mommy!” Dean stood up and tried to make his dad let go of Sammy’s arm.

“Teacher said boy omegas could be mommies,” Dean said, trying to reason with his dad, tried to get him to let go of Sammy’s arm before his little brother got hurt.

“Like hell either of my kids are gonna turn out to be omegas,” Dad said, before forcefully letting go of Sammy’s arm. “You’re both gonna be alphas, just like me, you hear?” He asked, glaring down at them.

Sammy just cried harder, but Dean stared back. “Yes, sir,” he said softly, knowing that was the answer his dad was looking for. He didn’t want to risk him trying to hurt Sammy again.

“I hear that kinda talk outta either of you ever again, and I’ll make sure next time you understand.” The threat was unspoken, but completely obvious. Both children nodded, Sammy trying to wipe his tears on his shirt. He went out to the bar early that night, and came home later than usual.

While they were alone, Dean did his best to comfort his little brother. He made Sammy promise to never call Dean ‘mommy’ ever again. When Sammy finally fell asleep that night, Dean stared up at the ceiling, lost in thought. He’d really liked being a mommy to Sammy, and had kinda hoped to be a real mommy when he grew up. But now, now he knew that his dad would never let him. He had to grow up to be a big, strong alpha, if just to protect Sammy.

Later, when he finally presented as an alpha, his dad had been relieved, but nowhere near as relieved as Dean. He’d stopped wanting to be a mommy years ago, but knew that someday, he was going to be the best daddy he could possibly be, and give his kids a way better childhood than he’d ever had. And if there was still that longing in the back of his mind for motherhood, he just pushed it aside and ignored it. Now that he was an alpha, it really was completely impossible, so there was no point in thinking about it any more.

He’d almost forgotten the entire story, until he looked down at the pregnancy test in his hand, Cas at his side, and that second blue line stood out clearer than anything, and the tears started rolling down his face. Cas had held Dean while he wept, and stroked his hair while he explained the story to him. When Dean finished, Cas had kissed every part of his face, and held him tighter. He’d even whispered “And now you’re gonna be a real mommy, Dean.” That had only made the tears start back up again, but at least this time, they were good tears.


End file.
